


An Alphabet of Arguments

by gala_apples



Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe, Arguing, Dialogue-Only, F/F, M/M, Parents & Children
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-16
Updated: 2013-05-16
Packaged: 2017-12-12 01:05:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/805360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gala_apples/pseuds/gala_apples
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Twenty six arguments Finn and Puck had while co-raising Beth with Rachel and Quinn. Sorted alphabetically, not chronologically.</p><p>Written for Pinn Week, day 2: family.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Alphabet of Arguments

**Author's Note:**

> While I don't actually dislike either Rachel or Quinn, this splits into an AU halfway through season one, and canon has a lot of them being irritated at each other at the split off point. I'm not tagging for character bashing, as it doesn't get that ugly, but there's animosity.

~A~

“What do you mean you’re not putting her up for adoption?”

“We can’t do it. We’re getting jobs, and Mrs Fabray will let us live in the top floor of her three story house.”

“This is a terrible idea.”

“You didn’t think it was terrible six months ago when you were going to have Beth.”

“A lot has changed in six months. We weren’t even dating six months ago!”

“If you can’t go farther, fine. That’s fine. Beth only needs three parents in her life. You can fuck off, it’ll be just fucking fine.”

~B~

“We’re putting her to bed in a blanket fort now?”

“We’re all sleeping in a blanket fort. It’ll be a thing, for now.”

“Quinn and Rachel won’t like it.”

“Quinn and Rachel can sit and spin. That or explain how she miraculously doesn’t have nightmares at their place. You know, I think she does. I think it’s a total lie, meant to make us feel shitty. They never forgave us for the court thing, you know they didn’t.”

“I think Beth’s not the only one that’s cranky from sleep deprivation.”

~C~

“Babies need to go in a crib.”

“Wha? Speak quieter. You woke me up, don’t wake her up.”

“You can’t just fall asleep with her on your bare chest!”

“She’s warm, I’m soft. What’s the big problem, dude?”

“And what happens when you roll over and squash her? Besides becoming a zombie like three times because I’ll kill you then raise you so Quinn can kill you, then she’ll raise you so Rachel can.”

~D~

“I think she could call us both dad.”

“I don’t. It’ll be weird.”

“How’s it weird to be called dads when we are?”

“Cause my dad is gone and useless and yours is dead and useless. We never learned a damn thing about how to be dads. But we know how to be better versions of us. We’ll be Finnie and Puckie.”

~E~

“Should we make a separate bank account for the school fund? What do you think?”

“What school fund?”

“The one for her private school. Beth’s gonna be in elementary in no time at all.”

“She doesn’t need private school. We didn’t.”

“Roosevelt was a hunk of crap, and McKinley’s worse. Maybe I wouldn’t hate everything if I was in Dalton like Kurt’s boyfriend. We can _start_ her at Dalton. Well, girl Dalton.”

~F~

“We’re really doing this? We’re really going to family court?”

“They keep hogging Beth.”

“We can talk to them about it.”

“We _did_. they made it pretty fucking clear that they think they love Beth more than us.”

“I don’t think-”

“Finn. Either you want to see Beth equally, or you don’t care. In which case, get the fuck out of our apartment and you can move your shit out while I’m at work.”

“Fuck you. Don’t you _dare_ say I don’t love her, you fucking prick!”

“Then act like it. Keep this level of fury until we’re at the place.”

~G~

“We’re not quitting Glee!”

“Why? Because Rachel isn’t?”

“Shut up, assface. You know I love you. But we need something in our lives that makes us happy that isn’t Beth.”

“It’ll extend school by an hour, and that’s not including comps.”

“Do what you want, Puck. But I’m not quitting, and neither will Rachel or Quinn. And if you do, then you’ll miss it.”

~H~

“She’s a girl, Puck. She has to have like braids and barrettes and stuff.”

“She said she wanted a mohawk.”

“But she’s a girl!”

“What about Pink? Pretty sure Rihanna’s had a ‘hawk too.”

“Can we just do her hair in a way that won’t have Rachel stabbing us in our sleep, please?”

“You’re a wussy.”

“I’m a man that needs his sleep, you mean.”

~I~

“Ice cream is not a breakfast food.”

“She had a bad dream. She needs a pick me up. And she’s about two decades too young for coffee, so butterscotch it is.”

~J~

“I can’t believe you let him babysit our three year old.”

“You told me to find a babysitter.”

“Yeah, and you got two. Which I know from experience means none.”

“He brought Ryder. Ryder’s a good guy. I was the one that recruited him to Glee.”

“Sure he’s good. He’s also dating Jake.”

“No they’re not. Jake and Marley are dating.”

“Live in 2013 Finn!”

~K~

“I can’t believe you let him babysit our three year old.”

“You told me to find a babysitter.”

“Yeah, and he seems to forget she’s a toddler. When I checked in he was speaking French to her.”

“I dunno. He told me the younger you start the more bilingual kids get. I think it could be good for Beth to speak a bunch of languages. Like Cypher from X-Men.”

~L~

“I don’t think it’s very accurate to call Quinn and Rachel lesbians.”

“Really. Does that mean you think we’re not gay?”

“I think you should be more flexible with labels, is all. I mean, we don’t want Beth growing up thinking bisexuality doesn’t exist. Kurt evidently is gonna be preaching that, since he flipped out when Blaine kissed Mercedes at the party. And Grandma Fabray will still think it’s just a phase ten years from now, and try and teach Beth that.”

“I can see that.”

“Look, I’m not saying we should be intense activists. I’m just saying we gotta use the right language, because other people might not.”

~M~

“We should get married.”

“That’s romantic. It’s also really stupid.”

“Why? I love you, and wouldn’t it give me more rights to Beth?”

“It’s Ohio, and we’re gay. What would give us more rights is if I, the bio-dad, married Rachel, and Quinn, the bio-mom, married you.”

“But you’re not gonna, right? I know you’re straighter than I am-”

“Shut up. We’ve been dating two years now, I think I can safely say I like your dick.”

~N~

“You bought Simpson noodles? She wanted Dora.”

“I forgot until I was already in line.”

“She’s not gonna eat if it’s not Dora.”

“They taste exactly the same!”

“Cool. _You_ explain that to her, and _you_ clean up when she throws herself onto the table and knocks all the food onto the floor.”

~O~

“Third apartment complex we’ve visited, third blatant lie.”

“To be fair, it is open concept.”

“No. It’s a bedroom that has a fridge in the corner.”

“Dude. We’re seventeen. I don’t even know if it’s actually legal to rent to us. A bachelor apartment is the best we’re gonna get right now. We’ll channel Kurt and decorate it so that it looks bigger.”

~P~

“You can’t tell her she was a mistake. My mom told me she didn’t mean to get pregnant and I wondered _forever_ if she wished they’d used a condom.”

“We have to tell her. Sooner or later she’ll be able to tell Puckie and Quinnie don’t like each other, and if she thinks she broke us up it’ll be way worse.”

~Q~

“I’m not going with you to tell Sam he has to quit.”

“But Glee needs him. Also it’s gross.”

“It’s not gross, it’s doing what he’s gotta do.”

“But it’s sex work.”

“What do you think pool cleaning is? I clean pools in short shorts. I bet some of the stuff Sam wears covers more skin than that.”

“Yeah, but you don’t turn women on because you’re on sale.”

“Finn, I get a hundred and thirty a job if I just clean the pool. I get three hundred if I have sex with her.”

“So you’ve been having sex with women this whole time?”

“What do you think pays for this apartment? Your part time getting paid under the table at Sheets and Things?”

“I didn’t think it was you being a hooker!”

~R~

“We’re raising her Jewish.”

“Don’t you think you should talk to Quinn about-”

“Fuck Quinn.”

“Quinn’s her parent too.”

“Well you’re neutral about religion, right? So it’s me and Rachel against Quinn. And bro, you’ve known Rachel as long as I have. If you really think the combined efforts of me and Rachel couldn’t shout and nag an airplane out of the sky, you, son, are deaf dumb and blind.”

~S~

“Do you think it’s time to start weaning her off her soother?”

“No.”

“So... what, you think we should do it cold turkey? Like she just doesn’t get it one morning?”

“I think that if you take away the only thing that stops her from wailing ‘Finnie, Puckie’ as we drop her off at daycare like we’re actually dropping her off at Auschwitz I will fucking stab you in the face. My heart cannot take that.”

~T~

“Stop buying our daughter tutus.”

“You can’t say this is another she doesn’t want to be girly thing, because she loves them.”

“No, this is a our dryer is an old hunk of crap and shreds every single one that goes in thing.”

“So what you’re saying is I don’t have to stop buying them, I can just make sure they get washed at Quinn and Rachel’s.”

~U~

“Quinn thinks you wanting to celebrate Beth’s half birthday is just a blatant attempt for more presents. And I kinda agree.”

“Okay. A, it’s not her half birthday, it’s her Unbirthday. B, I thought she was the smart one, so I don’t know how she’s never read Alice in Wonderland. C, Beth is a baby. If people aren’t giving her things every time they see her there’s something wrong with humanity. D, we’re not even asking people to give her presents, just to show up for cake and singing. Half our guests are Glee, they’d be singing anyway, even if they were alone in their rooms. Except Mike, who’d be dancing, so same difference.”

~V~

“I think you should trade in your truck for a mini-van.”

“That’s nice. I think you should trade in your bike for-”

“You’re a jerk.”

~W~

“We are never doing that to Beth!”

“What’s the matter? You look pissed.”

“Rachel’s training her to be a robot. Beth was crying and Rachel told her to drink some water, that she would stop crying if she just sipped on water. And her fucking tone! Like it’s bad that Beth was upset, like she was being immature or something! Like it was Beth’s responsibility as a motherfucking _two_ year old to stop crying.”

“Yeah, she told me about that. Her dads did it, and it got to the point where she didn’t get get sad anymore, just thirsty.”

“That’s _evil_! Our daughter will cry for ten motherfucking hours before she takes a sip of water, I’m telling you that right now!”

~X~

“You’re just jealous that she likes the xylophone more than she likes the mini guitar.”

“Xylophones aren’t drums. You got her a hand drum and she barely uses it.”

“Jealous!”

~Y~

“You’re gonna make Beth crazy.”

“No, I’m going to turn her into a contrary little shit, like the rest of the Puckermans.”

“She’s only one quarter Puckerman, and my quarter doesn’t want her to be insane.”

“Relaaaax. She won’t be.”

“Toddlers are supposed to say no to everything. Ask any parent ever about terrible twos. Adults are not supposed to say yes every time they say no.”

“Mary Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?”

~Z~

“What do you mean ‘can’t be done’?”

“It’s not that I don’t believe society can take a one year old into a zoo. It’s just that I’m not taking my daughter to one.”

“Why not?”

“It sends the wrong message.”

“What possible message could a zoo send? It’s wholesome as hell.”

“That when something is interesting and gorgeous and dangerous and maybe a little bit frightening the best thing to do with it is to shove it into a cage. I’m not cool with that.”

“Awww, you big damn romantic. I love you too. We’ll tell Quinn to take her, then. She’s good at smothering the joy out of things.”


End file.
